Odi et Amo
by melody106
Summary: "I hate you and I love you". A series of Lily/James one-shots inspired by love poems of the Roman writer Catullus. It's not really a T, so I've rated it M for language and themes just to be safe.
1. equal to the Gods

**This one-shot is based on Catullus 51, when he first sees Lesbia (unfortunate name, but it didn't have the same connotations in Ancient Rome). **

**The original poem and my translation are below. **

**I don't own Catullus (but sometimes I wish I did!) or Harry Potter. **

**Thanks as always for the suggestions and advice from Cammie's co-parent.**

**Catullus 51**

Ille mi par esse deo videtur,

ille, si fas est, superare divos,

qui sedens adversus identidem te

spectat et audit

dulce ridentem, misero quod omnis

eripit sensus mihi: nam simul te,

Lesbia, aspexi, nihil est super mi

vocis in ore,

lingua sed torpet, tenuis sub artus

flamma demanat, sonitu suopte

tintinant aures, gemina teguntur

lumina nocte.

Otium, Catulle, tibi molestum est:

otio exsultas nimiumque gestis:

otium et reges prius et beatas

perdidit urbes.

**Translation**

_That man seems to me to be on par with the Gods._

_That is, he seems, if it's allowable to say so, better than the Gods,_

_The one who is sitting opposite you, able to look at you and hear _

_your sweet laughter again and again, which numbs all the senses of poor me. _

_For when I look at you, Lesbia, I am speechless, _

_My tongue is numb, fire runs in my veins, my ears ring with their own sound, my eyes are covered by twin moons. _

_Idleness, Catullus, is bad for you: _

_You revel in idleness with far too much enjoyment:_

_Idleness has, in the past, ruined kings and prosperous cities._

_**James**_

I walk into the Great Hall and make my way towards the Gryffindor table. I've just had quidditch practice, and I'm feeling pleasantly tired. I'm very aware that my hair is windswept, and judging by the looks on the faces of the girls who turn as I walk towards my place, I'm not looking too bad. I dump my broom and sit down next to Moony.

"Hey Moony!" I give him a playful punch which he returns, but only half heartedly.

"What's up?"

Lupin doesn't say anything. He just jerks his head up the table. I look, but still don't see anything.

"Where's Sirius?"

"He...there's this new girl. Just arrived. And he's..."

"Trying to make a good impression, huh?"

"You could say that"

I look more carefully and this time catch sight of Padfoot's head. He's talking to someone I can't quite see.

"Is she hot?"

"You could also say that."

I'm curious now. I lean forwards, and, pretending to reach for the salt, I see her.

Her head is thrown back in laughter, and I swear it's the sweetest sound I've ever heard. Her hair is...red? Then she turns and sees me, and I realise that it's not just 'red'. It's golden and copper and the colour of sunset, and -

Her green eyes fix on mine for just a second, but I swear it seems like a century, and leaves me breathless.

_Fuck Sirius. _Why did he have to be the one to get up here quickly after practice? Why does he get to sit opposite her and look and her and make her laugh?

Not that i'd be much good at that at the moment. That brief look has left me toungue-tied and I'm painfully aware that I look as though I've just been hit with a _'petrificus totallus' _hex. I have to move. Right now. I'm dreaming. She can't be real.

"Lupin" i hiss out of the corner of my mouth. "pinch me."

"What?"

"pinch me"

I'm still gawking up the table and Lupin follows my gaze. He smiles slightly.

"OUCH!"

"Come on Prongs, snap out of it. She's just a girl."

Just a girl? _Just _a girl? I want to jump up and run over and punch Sirius. I actually want to punch my best friend. What the hell is happening to me?

I groan and Lupin leans over, concerned.

My eyes have gone blurry, and for a moment I see two Moonys. I blink, and he swims back into focus.

"I'm fucking on fire Moony!"

"Too much information. Just go have a cold shower Prongs. Seriously. I'll bring you up some food if you're hungry."

_**Later**_

In the shower, I reflect.

What the_ fuck _was that!

I decide it's because I'm bored. My mind (and body...) are searching for ways to let out some of the boredom of my life. Maybe if I work harder at schoolwork, actually do my homework for a change, play some more quidditch. Maybe then I'll be back to normal.

**So what do you think? Review?**


	2. Hate and Love

**I thought I'd explore Lily's perspective a little bit, even though originally Catullus wrote this poem about Lesbia. **

**If anyone's interested, it's thought that 'Lesbia' was in fact a woman called Clodia. A quick google search should give you a bit of background to the (rather tragic) story.**

**Catullus 85**

_Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?_

_nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior._

**Translation**

I hate you and I love you. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask?

I don't know, but I feel it happening and it tortures me.

**Lily**

I hate James Potter. I hate him. I hate every single bit of him. I hate everything from the hem of his stupid robes to his windswept hair, to his gorgeous hazel eyes…

_Damn it! _Why do I keep doing that? One minute I'm going just fine, and the next, I'm seeing those eyes. Why can't I get him out of my head for just one minute? I don't even _like _him. I _can't _like him. He's an up-himself twerp.

Why does he have to be the one guy in this school who gets to me?

OK, so I'm kind of aware of his every move. I mean, he asks me out every 10 seconds!

And I say no.

Every time.

And all the time I just want to grab him and kiss him and forget who I am. Forget that I'm Lily Evans. Forget that he's James Potter. Forget that he's a bullying toerag and just kiss him senseless.

I love him and I hate him. I hate how confident he is, playing with that stupid snitch. I hate his hair, how it's always so messy. And yet I feel this insane desire to run my hand through it.

Lily Evans does not go for guys like James Potter. Lily Evans does not condone dangling people in the air for fun, however windswept their hair is. Lily Evans does not like people who think that every girl would jump at the chance to hook up with him. Even if he has the most amazing eyes she's ever seen. Or the best smile. Or –

STOP!

Pull yourself together Lily Evans. You are better than this.

So I keep myself firmly under control. I flirt with everone else. Fuck it, I even flirt with Severus Snape! Because I have this insane desire to hurt James Potter. To hurt him just the way he's hurting me. By being so damn hot and such a horrible person in every way. Hate and love. That's what I feel. So mixed up, I want to kiss him and hex him into oblivion at the same time.


	3. All boobs and no brain

**It's been a long time since I've written, but I thought I'd take a little bit of time out from studying to put up another chapter. I hope you enjoy it =)**

**I don't own anything blah blah blah **

**I would also like to apologise to Catullus for appropriating his poems. I bet he never guessed it would happen when he wrote them. With any luck he's not turning in his grave over this story. **

**Catullus 86**

Quintia formosa est multis. mihi candida, longa,

recta est: haec ego sic singula confiteor.

totum illud formosa nego: nam nulla venustas,

nulla in tam magno est corpore mica salis.

Lesbia formosa est, quae cum pulcerrima tota est,

tum omnibus una omnis surripuit Veneres.

**Translation**

_Quintia is beautiful to many. For me she is white, tall,_

_well-built: I admit these attributes singly._

_But deny the notion of the idea of beauty: because no grace,_

_not a grain of humour is in such a large body._

_Lesbia is beautiful, who is not only totally and extremely so,_

_but also has stolen all the attractions of all other women._

**James**

It's been exactly 3 months, 7 days and 4 and a half hours since Lily first arrived at this place. And it's been exactly 3 months, 8 days and 17 hours since I last hooked up with a girl. It was some random chick – Elise I think her name was. I had plans at the time to ask her out, but since Lily arrived, all my plans have gone out the window. Come to think of it, most things have gone out the window.

Like me being top of every class, for instance. We had exams last week. Lily Evans beat me in Potions, Charms _and_ History of Magic. Lucky I don't take Ancient Runes and Arithmancy or she'd have beaten me in that too. Sirius 'accidently' overheard her talking to Professor Babbling yesterday. Turns out they've never had a student get 143% in an Ancient Runes exam before. Fuck! I topped Defense and Transfiguration. Not by much though.

Sirius is having a fucking field day over this one.

OK, so you're thinking 'just ask the girl out!' I was thinking that too. In the past 3 months, 7 days and 4 and three-quarters hours, I have asked Lily Evans out a total of 6 times. That's a record. James Potter never has to ask more than once. Twice, tops.

The first time I asked her out, I was expecting her to say yes, so I just cornered her after Charms and asked her, straight out. She gave me the weirdest look. And then she hexed me. She glued my tongue to the roof of my mouth. _Non-verbally_.

Fucking genius.

The next time was at breakfast. I visited the house-elves in the kitchens with specific instructions. When Lily's breakfast popped up onto her plate, the maple syrup on her pancakes read 'will you go out with me?' The damn girl just smiled, as an owl dropped a piece of parchment in front of me.

"NO".

What is with this girl?

After that I took to asking her when she'd least expect it. Hoping to shock her into saying yes.

Didn't work.

So now, here I am, at lunch, Sirius to my right, Remus to my left, and Lily, way down the table, flirting with some random Ravenclaws.

"James, stop drooling."

It's Sirius. I tear my eyes away from her, and look at him.

"Seriously Prongs, I've been thinking, you need to snap out of this. Go out with some other chicks! Forget about Evans. She's just stuck up.

Go out with someone else? Like hell.

"How about Olivia Arnolds?" Says Remus, gently.

"Olivia Arnolds? That slutty lump of –"

"Why not?" Sirius is giving Lupin an approving look over my head. Like I can't see.

"Because she's…"

"Hot?" suggests Peter.

"Good for a fuck, any hour of the day or night?" Sirius is grinning.

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you Sirius?" I say, elbowing him.

"I wouldn't recommend her if I didn't think she was suitable."

"Why not?" It's Lupin. There's a surprise. Usually the first to condemn us for speaking about girls this way. I guess he's as fed up with me as Sirius and Peter are. Well, Sirius is. Peter just does what Sirius does by default.

I think about it. She is hot, it's true.

But somehow, next to Lily, she seems as pale and insubstantial as a ghost. Cheap.

"No. I'm not going out with Arnolds."

"You're a fool."

Now I'm angry.

"A fool for wanting a girl who's more than just a well-built slut? You're welcome to her Sirius, if you think she's so great. Personally, I think she's all boobs and no brain, but if you're keen to test that out, be my guest!"

I stand up and walk out of the Great Hall.

Why the fuck did I just do that?

I know the answer.

Lily Evans is the only girl in this whole school who can perform any charm Professor Meddle throws at her. And she's somehow managed to charm me in the process.


End file.
